How to Develop Empathy

An Empath's Guide to Better Understanding and Responding to Humanity

Mar 23, 2025

It’s taken me a few minutes of staring at this screen before I was able to start typing. My hackles are up and I’m feeling a melancholic mixture of frustration and defiance. “Capital F” Frustrated with the state of our country right now. “small f” frustrated that people like Allie Beth Stuckey and her thought authority, Joe Rigney, continue to promote the oxymoronic and sociopathic idea of “toxic empathy”.1

I’ve been on a mission of pushing back on the idea of “toxic empathy” or “empathy is sin” for over a month now after reading Mrs. Stuckey’s polemic book on the subject. The concepts she presented were so illogical, delusional, immoral, and…well…toxic, that I felt convicted to respond in three different essays. Part 1, entitled The Toxicity of "Toxic Empathy": Deconstructing Fallacies Behind the Lie That Empathy Can Be Toxic , took a sledgehammer to the unintellectual sloppiness and illogic in the arguments he used in making her case for “toxic empathy”. This was followed by the more surgical Part 2, an open letter to Mrs. Stuckey challenging her views with biblical, ethical, and moral precision.2

I’m still flabbergasted that alleged disciples of Jesus Christ like Stuckey, Rigney, and their followers continue to double down in their rejection of empathy. When you read or listen to their message, it becomes clear that they don’t really know what empathy is, nor do they seem to have had any experience with it. Instead, they’ve…

Replaced faith with fear
Traded biblical messaging for political identity
Chased power instead of piety
Twisted, rejected, and distorted rather than acknowledge truth
Embraced the limiting arrogance of certainty over the limitless amazement of curiosity
Confused rightness for righteousness
Followed an antichrist instead of the biblical Christ
Adopted the religion of Christiamericanity instead of one that reflects the teaching and example of Jesus Christ
Rejected rather than reflected Christlikeness
Become sociopaths instead of Samaritans

They’re in a cult that wants do to the affective side of humanity what the Manson family did to Sharon Tate.

Brutally and inhumanely murder it.

I’m Capital F Frustrated that their message seems to be working on those in our country who hold the greatest political power and on those who support them. The cloudy maxim behind their anti-human belief says that “empathy means to be in someone’s feelings.” This rhetoric is only a fraction of the definition of empathy. That they lean into just this part convinces me that they have never experienced nor understand this more complete and accurate description of empathy:

Empathy is…

Possessing enough selflessness and patience to allow others to feel and express their thoughts and feelings without insisting they simultaneously feel and acknowledge yours.
Being gracious enough to look for the virtue in another's actions, especially the ones you don't understand or agree with.
Responding to protestation, disagreement, or opposition with an ear and heart that truly seeks to understand rather than to merely debate, dismiss, and defend.
Accepting the reality that your life experience is exactly that: "your" life experience, and to understand that everyone's perspective is based on their own individual backgrounds.
Having the wisdom to understand that your knowledge and understanding of others, and the world around you, is limited only by your level of curiosity and ability to think and feel.
Embracing humility to give space for the correction of your certainty, and to understand that neither your certainty nor uncertainty are sufficient enough to override another person’s choices or beliefs.
Eschewing the self-serving, insubstantial words of niceness for the selflessness, substantive actions of true kindness.
Being honest enough with yourself to accept that even your most dogmatic feelings and beliefs might not be based on incontrovertible truth.
Remaining open to growth and change rather than doubling down on stubbornness.
Understanding that often the best gift we can give to those under oppression or hardship is grace and acceptance, not judgment and acrimony.
Intentionally finding and cultivating experiences to help us develop a pluralistic world view that seeks to understand and validate others’ experiences and views.
Developing a heart that is able to feel what others are feeling and see what others are seeing, while maintaining a mind that is able to evaluate and respond judiciously.

These are the true fruits of what it means to be empathetic. Traits that are not exclusive to any particular religion, nationality, or creed but are virtues that any human being can attain.

But how do we get there? How does one become empathetic? Is it possible to become more empathetic than I currently am?

Research in the field of psychology says that there are a number of ways to grow this skill. These include the following:3

Willingness to grow
Exposing yourself to differences
Reading fiction
Harnessing the power of oxytocin, the “social” hormone, through behaviors like eye contact and soft physical touch
Identifying common ground with others
Asking questions
Understanding your mental and emotional blocks4
Second-guessing yourself

Jean Decety, head of the Social Cognitive Neuroscience Laboratory, and the Director of the Child Neurosuite at the University of Chicago Department of Psychology has spent a career researching the neuroscience of empathy. Professor Decety’s work has found that the development of empathy can be traced to physical development of the brain and nervous system.5 Likewise, journalist Claire Cain Miller summarized advice based on additional research in her 2018 New York Times article entitled How to Be More Empathetic:6

Practice empathy by talking to new people, experiencing other people’s life activities, and/or joining forces for a shared cause.
Admit personal biases by taking scientifically developed bias quizzes such as this one developed at Harvard University and checking your privilege with quizzes such as The American Dream Score.
Standing up for others with meaningful actions, amplifying marginalized or oppressed voices, advocating for things that might help others even if it doesn’t do anything for you, and not making assumptions about other people’s lives based on your own experiences.
Read books including fiction & non-fiction and expand your sources for research.
For parents, be intentional about rearing empathetic children by teaching and modeling behaviors, reading to them, talking to them about bias, and teaching them to fight against stereotypes.
Engage in difficult conversations with others you don’t understand and/or agree with. Learn to be quiet and listen. Be open to changing your mind.

Your capacity for Empathy is a direct consequence of the growth in your Humanity.

In other words, the more you understand your own humanity and how it relates to that of all others, the more empathetic you will become. As I wrap up this three-part series pushing back against the fallacy of “toxic empathy”, I want to offer some suggestions that align with the this core belief about how to develop empathy. Here are some of my experiences that have helped me achieve that growth…

One Person’s Journey to Empathy

Much of my personal growth as an empath aligns with what the research highlighted above has already pointed out. Also, I am currently learning about the relationship between childhood and even adulthood trauma to the growth and/or stunting of empathy.7 I am certain that finding ways to learn more about myself and others is one of my trauma responses as a means to make peace with difficult things I’ve endured. My lived experience has shown me how deliciously complex this world is and the souls that inhabit it. So, without further ado, here are 8 ways to nurture empathy by embracing and enriching your humanity:

Spend Time With Art

Art. Music. Theater. Dance. The humanities accomplish exactly that — humanity. Each of us learns and grows in three different areas, or domains: the cognitive domain (knowledge), the psychomotor domain (skill), and the affective domain (attitudes, emotions, & dispositions). Without engaging in art and creativity, that part of us becomes flaccid and eventually withers away.8 Art is a uniquely human thing as it both utilizes and strengthens our ability to understand ourselves and the human condition.

It’s especially important to engage with art in a way that causes you to respond — to think. And feel. The most meaningful experiences in my own journey are those that have allowed me to see a different side of shared humanity, but also into worlds that are so foreign to my own. Really engaging with art allows you the opportunity to enter the heart, mind, and life of the artist in ways that words alone cannot accomplish. I’m certain that the vulnerability shared by artists as they share their work is a significant part of why I have learned to both allow and share vulnerability safely with others.

Engaging with Art is important for developing empathy because it allows you to see and feel the soul of others.

Create

Each of us has an affective side. Tragically, the current state and priorities of American education has starved that part of us. To get it back, I encourage you to CREATE! It doesn’t matter what, just CREATE! It doesn’t have to perfect or professional, just CREATE! Creativity is an essential part of being human. I said ESSENTIAL — not a “luxury.”

Creativity can take many forms. The idea is to make something. Something that is original to you. Something that consumes your thoughts, feelings, and time. Create alone and with others. Creativity allows for imagination. Imagination allows for understanding. Understanding allows for vulnerability. Vulnerability allows for empathy.

Creativity is important for developing empathy because it allows you to experience the uniqueness of being human.

Write

If creativity is the well spring of the soul, then writing is the river of the mind. Both allow you to form ideas and communicate them through various mediums. Writing is key to empathy in that it teaches us how to process our thoughts, and then articulate them in a way that others can understand them. It also forces us to learn to be critical and clear in the ideas we wish to share. It is provides a critical part in the development of empathy as it teaches you to both organize and critique thoughts and feelings — yours and those of others.

Writing is important for developing empathy because it teaches you to be thoughtful, articulate, clear, and concise.

Practice Internal Debate

One of my favorite assignments as a former educator was to create opportunities for my students to debate controversial topics. Students were randomly assigned to argue one position or the other. Inevitably, several students found themselves assigned to a position that they personally disagreed with. These students were often the best prepared and strongest debaters in the exercise.

Taking time to not only appreciate, but to rationalize a view that goes against your own is paramount to developing empathy. It requires humility, courage, and a honesty — all of which are components of empathy. The outcomes of this approach are rich with possibility. As my students learned, taking time to argue against yourself forces you to be more diligent with researching the topic. It also requires you to be open to change and growth — to do better because you know better. This exercise will either confirm, strengthen, or expose the weaknesses of your current view and understanding. Perhaps more importantly, in regard to empathy, it gives you a deeper understanding and appreciation for different views held by others. Ultimately, it provides a check on your hubris and a chance for humility.

Practicing Internal Debate is important for developing empathy because it allows you to not only get into the feelings of others, but into the thought process that leads to those feelings.

Learn About History

The importance of reading, both fiction and non-fiction, has already been highlighted. I view my love of reading, which began at an early age, as a consequential part in the development of my humanity. I want to point out that you should specifically read and learn about history as much as possible. We all know the adage, “Those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it.”9

History is the story of humanity. It’s triumphs and disasters. It’s celebrations and warnings. It’s good and evil. It’s progress and regression. It’s evolution and stagnation.

The more you learn about humanity’s story, especially that of peoples outside your sphere of existence, the more you understand and can empathize with others. This understanding and knowledge is vital in developing the ability to see what factors, past and present, contribute to both the universal and eclectic human condition of all peoples.

Learning about History is important for developing empathy because it teaches you to be thoughtful and articulate.

Lose Yourself in Nature

I feel the most grounded, present, and clearheaded when I am immersed in nature. All five senses are engaged at all times. I’m not distracted by technology — sometimes even not by others. I’m simultaneously aware of the world within me and of me within the world. I can sense both the dissonance and harmony of life. The smallest moments of beauty create exponential wonder and happiness.

Being in nature helps develop empathy by reminding us of the immensity and scope of a world in which we are just one of trillions of participants. Human and not. Present, past, and future. It reminds us of our responsibility to each other and to our resources. It nurtures our mind, body, and soul.

Losing Yourself in Nature is important for developing empathy because it reminds you of the immensity, complexity, and orderliness of existence.

Nurture Something or Someone

I was teaching at a small university near St. Louis, Missouri when the pandemic shut everything down. The resulting disengagement from working with students and music left a great void that helped me to discover that I am a nurturer. Many vegetable/herb gardens and rescued cats later, I now recognize the correlation between nurturing and understanding others.

Taking time to invest in the care and growth of another living entity, whether it be a person, animal, or even a plant, creates a mindset of service to another’s health and well being. In its purest form, it turns you into an altruistic person. It is because I’m a nurturer that understanding and validating the feelings, thoughts, and experiences of others via empathy is a fundamental part of who I am. It is what inspires me to feed and water that which leads to a bountiful harvest. To prune that which takes valuable resources away from that which does not. And to protect from the pests and parasites which would destroy it.

Nurturing is important for developing empathy because it requires you to invest in the wellbeing of others.

Share Daily Highs, Lows, & Buffaloes With Someone

Have you ever heard of the exercise called “High, Low, Buffalo”? It’s where you have a brief check-in with someone to share the best thing that happened today (your “high”), the worst thing (your “low”), and something that made you laugh (your “buffalo”). I first learned about it from a movie in which a character (I think it was a mom) asked another (probably her son or daughter) what their high/low of the day is.10 Since then, it has been a constant reminder of the importance of checking in with my people.

I love this particular exercise more than just asking someone to answer the often insincere “How are you?” or “How was your day?” Not only does it hold me accountable to interest in their well being, it allows us to provide a more robust and inclusive description of our daily experiences. The succinctness of the exercise is excellent in providing meaningful connections even on the busiest and worst of days. The focus isn’t on quality or quantity of good, bad, and funny experiences — but on parsing out the most significant of those from day to day. It also reminds us that life has its ups and downs and that we can always find something to bring us a bit of joy.

You can’t become an empathetic person if you can’t practice this type of interest and vulnerability with at least one other person in your life. Conversely, it is easy to grow your capacity for empathy for others when you utilize the emotional intelligence needed for this type of care, attention, and vulnerability.

Sharing emotional intimacy with another is important for developing empathy because it provides opportunities to experience safe and meaningful connection through transparency and vulnerability.

Final Thoughts

If you’re going to claim that there is a thing called “toxic empathy”, you need to qualify the non-verifiable opinions and beliefs through which you view the world. Perhaps the toxicity is really that your world view has no place for empathy to exist. This explains why people such as Allie Beth Stuckey and Joe Rigney aspire to the Four Horsemen of Calumny—Fear, Ignorance, Bigotry, and Smear.

On the other hand, embracing your affective domain as part of the triumvirate of being and becoming more human will keep you from being trampled by the hooves of those horsemen. Your world view then understands that empathy MUST exist.

I invite you to comment, message, and share your own journey towards empathy. And, as always, please reach out if you have any questions about how to become more empathetic.

Oh, and Allie Beth, if you’re reading this, my offer to engage with you privately still stands!

Reflections from an Independent Minded Empath

Discussion about this post