Quarter Life Crisis & Midlife Realignment
Reflections on Two Eras of Life
It’s February 21, 2025 today. My 50th birthday. A half century. I’ve lived half of the time allotted me on this planet if all goes well. I usually sit pretty low on the scale of sentimentality, but have been more reflective as of late. I think it’s less about turning 50, and more about this moment in time. I’m not where I thought I would be 50 days, or even 50 weeks ago. Truth be told, I’m definitely not where I thought I would be 50 months ago. But that’s OK. No…not OK….Better than OK.
The universe says I should be wearing a badge that says “Midlife Crisis”. It’s true there is uncertainty and dramatic change. Professionally. Personally. Physically. Positionally. I’ve only experienced such profound dissolution and disillusion one other time - 25 years ago. My Quarter Life Crisis—the first such stirring in my soul.
25 years ago, life was simultaneously falling apart and coming together. I was both certain and uncertain. Convicted - both in my beliefs and by my world’s reaction to them. Undone and undaunted. Wondering about the outcome of a still verdictless life. Navigating a shaking of my kingdom, surprised at what crumbled and what turned out to be unshakeable. For the next 25 years, I sacrificed my peace, my power, and my person in order to obtain and maintain my desired position.
It was my quarter life crisis.
25 years later, life is simultaneously coming apart and falling together. I am neither certain nor uncertain. Convinced - in my beliefs and not caring about the world’s reaction to them. Unbroken and un-broken. Surrendering the outcome of a still verdictless life. Navigating the building of my kingdom, liberated by what crumbled and what is still unshakeable. For the next 25 years, I will protect my peace, my power, and my person. Damn the position.
But it’s not a midlife crisis. Not even close.
It is my midlife realignment.
“For one human being to love another; that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks, the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation. I hold this to be the highest task for a bond between two people: that each protects the solitude of the other. This is the miracle that happens every time to those who really love: the more they give, the more they possess.” ~ Rainer Maria Rilke
Many of the greatest lessons I have learned in life come from the people who have shared some portion of theirs with mine. I have learned about grace. And love. And boundaries. And acceptance. I’ve come to deeply understand and appreciate the different Reasons, Seasons, & Lifetime.
25 Years Ago…
Family existed as a phantom presence. Boundaries were set. Some deserved it — others a casualty of proximity to those. Experience was teaching me the fraughtness of dependence. But I kept touching the hot stove time and time again — until I turned the stove off for good.
Relational norms and expectations were established. Not what I had hoped, but a product of necessity, I suppose. Each of us processing and dealing in our own way — our own means of escape. For some, denial. Others, placation. Still others, distance — physical and emotional.
25 Years Later…
Family exists as a muted presence. Boundaries are shifted, yet still set. I deserve it — others I control the proximity to me. Experience has taught me — is teaching me the fraughtness of independence. I’ve gotten used to not having a stove — it’s not as scary as it once was.
Relational norms and expectations are familiar — and mostly comfortable. Some better than I had hoped, others still a product of necessity, I suppose. Each of us healed and healing in our own way — our own means of returning. For none, denial. Others, resisting. Still others, still distance — still physical and emotional.
25 Years Ago…
Friends came in pairs. Early life seemed to require it. Early career seemed to demand it. Small Town, Florida seemed to limit it. Life was optimistically chaotic. Warmth and genuineness was there, but then the beginnings of a nomadic score of years took me away. My first experiences with reason, season, lifetime — even though I wouldn’t learn about that concept for a while yet.
Friendships happened on my terms. I never wanted to give much to them — just enough to keep them alive — and to match my perceptions of their own investment. Meaningful, yet transactional. Transitory life wouldn’t allow anything different — or so I thought.
25 Years Later…
Friends are a mix of singles and pairs. Mid-life seems to require it. Post career seems to confirm it. My nature, not my city seems to limit it. Life is chaotically optimistic. Warmth and genuineness stayed here, even now as the end of nomadic life keeps me in place. I fully embrace reason, season, lifetime — it’s a concept I know well now
Friendships happen on my terms — and theirs. We give what we have available — enough to let them thrive — investments are mutual. Meaningful, because relational. Settled life will not settle for anything different — this I know.
25 Years Ago…
Such a fractious part of life. Disappointment. Disillusioned. The end of preferred fantasy and the beginning of controlled reality — stark and cold at first, then stoic later on. Not interested. Life turned upside down — so much heartbreak, resentment, guilt, and betrayal. Passion flaming out. Fear of loneliness transformed into fear of being hurt. End result — a commitment to finding and prioritizing myself for as long as needed.
25 Years Later…
Such a peaceful part of life. Optimistic. Enthusiastic. The beginning of deferred fantasy and the beginning of healed reality — colorful and satiating at first, challenging the stoic as it moves on. Ready. Life restored upright — so much restoration, acceptance, freedom, and trust. Passion in threes. Fear of loneliness and being hurt transformed into security and togetherness. End result — a commitment to bringing myself and prioritizing us for as long as forever.
25 Years Ago…
My mantra — “No man is an island, but I am a peninsula.” Prioritization of my health and well being in cycles. Feeling of invincibility. Identity formation in what I do, or, more accurately, hoped to do. Priorities were work, self-identity in work, and moving forward in work. Stoicism and rejection of fatalism. Self-protective mistaken for self-centered. Independent minded and critical thinking — born of a need to make the world better. Stubborn and tenacious. Primary goal was to create and control the outcomes
25 Years Later…
My mantra — I realize I don’t have one anymore. Prioritization of my health and well being more important than ever. Aware of life’s fragility. Identity formation in who I am and hope to become. Priorities are purpose, presence, and meaningfulness. Stoicism and pessimism replaced by awareness and appreciation of the moment. Self-confident, sometimes mistaken for self-centered. Independent minded and critical thinking — born of a desire to understand the world better. Resolute and gritty. Primary goal is to surrender the outcomes.
“Each time we thus reach out with joy, each time we cast our view toward distances that have not yet been touched, we transform not only the present moment and the one following but also alter the past within us, weave it into the pattern of our existence, and dissolve the foreign body of pain whose exact composition we ultimately do not know.” ~ Rainer Maria Rilke
To the 25-year-old, time is just a commodity — an investment on futures. Years seem abundant in quantity and minutes are spent too rapidly. The 50-year-old sees time as a lesson — an informant of the future. He knows that true abundance is in quality and therefore works to spend the days wisely.
25 Years Ago…
The Past was a NIGHTMARE — a series of ugly moments to overcome. Memories repressed. Only wanted to forget and move forward. So difficult to find any old pictures that were untainted. Shards of broken pottery. The beginning of learning about how the past affects the present — but unwilling to accept it impacting the future. The instability of the first 25 years of life convincing me of my singular self reliability.
25 Years Later…
The Past WAS a nightmare — but also some great moments to appreciate. Memories selectively held. Only want to appreciate, learn, and move forward — but also be more present along the way. Old pictures reframed. Pottery in kintsugi. The beginning of learning how the present reclaims the past — and allowing it to impact the future. The instability of the second 25 years of life convincing me of reliability from beyond the self.
25 Years Ago…
The Present was subservient to the future. The focus was not on being, but on becoming. Just wanting to find green gardens. Unearned optimism and a feeling of “right place, right time.” A false sense of stability built on sand disguised as rock. It wouldn’t be long before the grains began to slip — to find myself at the bottom, wearing the sandals of Sisyphus — thinking they belonged to Hercules.
Possibility was bountiful — until it wasn’t. The beginnings of sacrificing self in service to the gatekeepers.
25 Years Later…
The Present is partnered with the future. The focus is on the becoming which comes from the being. Cultivating and nurturing colorful gardens. Hard-won optimism and a feeling of “this place, this time.” Building a new edifice on rocks I had once forgotten. No longer pushing the boulder up the hill — wearing neither the sandals of Sisyphus nor Hercules, but adorned with the olive branch of Pax.
Possibility IS bountiful — it always has been. The beginnings of preserving self in defiance of the gatekeepers.
25 Years Ago…
I existed in The Future more than The Present. Naive belief that I could control the narrative and the outcomes. Just do the right things — all will fall into place as I want it. Visions of grandeur. Clarity on what I could offer the world — not aware that the world to which I was offering was not interested. Unable to see how small that world would turn out to be in the end — and how I would become too big for it.
I had vision, hope, expectation, and a goal — because I believed I earned them.
25 Years Later…
I exist in The Present more than The Future. Naive belief in things outside my control replaced by just belief in myself. Just do the true things — all will fall in place as it is meant to be. Visions of contentment. Clarity on what I bring to my world — only interested in the world that is interested in me. Finally able to see how many worlds there are and how big and small they all can be — I feel small but significant.
I have vision, hope, expectation, and a goal — because I know I’ve earned them.
“The purpose of life is to be defeated by greater and greater things.” ~ Rainer Maria Rilke
A younger version wants his purpose to include the ability and opportunity to change the world. — to have large impact on the greater sphere. To thus make the world a better place for him. The present version accepts his purpose is to use his abilities and to find opportunities to change the world around him — to have meaningful impact on a smaller sphere. To thus make the world a better place for others.
25 Years Ago…
Career was my top priority. I said no to companionship. To having a family. To well being. To stability and permanence. To agency. I saw a path — confident it would be straightforward. There was no way to anticipate the villains hiding in wait. The false turns and the storms ahead. Unaware of an endpoint that marked an abrupt finality to the one journey I thought I would travel for life.
25 Years Later…
Career is not even on my list of priorities. Instead I’ve embraced companionship. I’ve taken on a furry family. I’m making progress towards well being. I only want stability and permanence. Retaking my agency. I’m creating a path — confident it will NOT be straightforward. Woe unto whatever villains await. I have all I need to weather the broken paths and storms ahead. The endpoint doesn’t matter anymore — I’m just here for the ride.
25 Years Ago…
I was emerging from a world of black and white into a tapestry of varying shades of gray. I believed in the power of divinity and was cautious about humanity. I believed in doing good for and to others — doing so boldly at the beginning, but soon grew to worry about the judgment of others. Ones who I believed had my future in their hands. I hated that version of me…
25 Years Later…
I have emerged from a world of black and white and gray to a dynamic technicolor landscape. I believe in the creativity of humanity and am cautious of pseudo-divinity. I believe in BEING good to and for others — Boldly. Unapologetically. Inviting all to gaze upon the field of fucks behind me and see that it is barren. I love this version of me…